Analyzing Why Some Car Movies Are So Awful

As car nuts, we (you included if you're here) are probably better qualified to critique car movies than any movie critic flapping their gums about "how cerebral Inception was." Christ, its a dream within a dream, within a dream- how hard is that to get? But I digress. Basically anyone can be a movie critic, but as gearheads, we have the unique skill of being slaves to continuity. I once watched a single car crash on an episode of Burn Notice again in slow motion to break down at which point of the crash were they using a GMT 400 Tahoe, and then they were using the newer GMT 800. Don't judge me. Besides, how often have you watched a movie and picked up on automotive inconsistencies? Probably more than you think. Such mistakes in movies can totally sway our opinion of a film. Here are several flicks that are shitful for the ways in which they have set the culture of cars back a few years. It's not always about continuity, but some how, some way, you are worse off for having seen it... Gone In 60 Seconds (2000): The original Gone was no feat of cinema, but it had some well-considered chase scenes. The newer film, though rife with high production value shots, is a pretty lame Saturday afternoon flick. Though I hate to admit that I actually enjoy this movie, it is more from a s0-bad-its-good perspective. I mean, Nick Cage is in it. Nick Cage blows. Jumping cars off flatbeds in movies not called "Dukes of Hazzard" blows. I'm sure Duvall regrets his role in this movie more than in Deep Impact. Also, if I hear one person mention Eleanor like its a special and rare car, I'm going to lose it. The car is just a bastardization of a Mustang Shelby GT500. Stop it. Fast and Furious Franchise (2001- ): (this hastily-made five year old video sums up every Fast/Furious movie) Sure, it has become a cult classic, and you can quote half the first movie, but man, some of those lines are awful..."I live my life one quarter mile at a time," -it's brutal. Dominic Torretto is the kind of hairdo that you can't help but poke fun at, behind his back of course, lest you get beaten with an adjustable wrench. The lovable quirkiness of the first Fast/Furious is disgraced by the terrible cast/plot/writing of 2 Fast 2 Furious. Tokyo drift was also crap. Whatever Vin Diesel was paid for his cameo at the end of Drift is not enough to make up for leading fans to think he would actually be in that movie. Since Tokyo Drift, I've always left a new Fast/Furious movie saying to myself, well that's the best one since the first one. I think I was right about Fast Five. The rest are just awful. Corvette Summer (1978): The fact that Mark Hamill only gets voiceover work (and a lot of it) should be a good indicator that Mark Hamill sucks in anything that doesn't have the word "Star" or "Wars" in it. It would not have mattered who stared in this colossal shitstorm of a bad 70's movie, but Hamill as the lead ensured it would be remembered for ever as "the other movie he stared in." (PHOTOS: See more Corvette cars) Upon reflection, what I really hate about this movie is the Corvette, and the ways in which it had been disgraced by the times. What's worse? The terrible vented hood? The shark nose? The god-awful custom "Stingray" taillight...thing. The car, more than the movie, makes me want to club baby seals. Driven (2001): If the 70's were a time of bad car movies, the early 2000's were the worst. This movie takes the crap-car-movie cake in more ways than one. The "coin trick so to unrealistic. Not because it can't be done, but because no knob worthy of driving an open-wheel racecar would actually do that. Nor would a professional racecar driver hum engine noises when they are driving at full speed. It's ludicrous. But that's nothing compared to the idea of two CART cars (see, its a movie based on a race series that no longer exists) being driven from a gala event onto city streets. Let us forget for a second about the absurdity of a display car at a social function being fully prepped and ready to driven city streets (can't really pull this off in slicks), there is the whole fact of driving a car with almost no ground clearance on city streets, at speed close to 200 mph, without any kind of eye protection. Lastly, my biggest gripe. Bigger than the coins, the humming, the impossible city race sequence, is the lack of camera continuity. Try to follow this, the film's editor's used action clips of the races in the monitors that the crew watched the race through. Like the shot of the car jumping one of the turns- they treated it like that was what ESPN8 what filming of the race. That's filming 101 and a great note to end on. These movies are all likely in Netflix somewhere- enjoy!  

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